Becoming Mommy.

The first week home after delivery was by far the toughest. I think I honestly did not know how I felt. I was overjoyed but still in this state of shock. It was this new identity that I had no time to process, and especially while being sleep deprived and having constant visitors. Nothing can prepare you for that first week. No amount of baby book's or breast feeding knowledge.

The toughest hurdle for me (other than the sleep) was breastfeeding. I felt so much pressure on me to nurse my baby and to be good at it! Well, breastfeeding is not for the weary! It was challenging and emotional. I felt so much pain every time she fed that I dreaded feeding my child. How awful! All I read was how it would be this beautiful bonding experience and every time that 3rd hour would creep up I knew it wasn't long till both Linley and I would both be in tears. She did not want to latch and I was in pain. I thought about giving up every hour of every day that first week! Luckily, I did have plenty of support and mommy friends who were constantly encouraging me or I am certain I would have quit. The first thing and most encouraging thing I learned is that hating nursing at first is totally normal! When your baby does not want to latch and is hungry it is only normal to be upset and want to feed your baby any way you can. The second thing is every baby is different. You can not compare your baby to someone else's. Some babies want to eat every 2 hours the first week and can't get enough. The first week I was lucky if I could get Linley to eat every 4 hours! I tried everything to get her to go by the "NO MORE than 3 hour" rule but she would not eat until that fourth hour. I stressed so hard over it which made the whole breastfeeding struggle even more difficult. My advice; as long as those pee and poo diapers are there your baby is eating what she needs! Now she eats every 3 hours and has turned into quite the chunky monkey. By the third week of nursing it was as if a miracle had taken place, SHE WAS LATCHING! I can't explain how relieved I felt. After a bout of mastitis and loads of nipple cream the pain seemed to disappear as well. I was able to continue on nursing and finally able to enjoy that time with my baby. Now, breastfeeding is not for every mom or every baby. However, if you are truly set on breast feeding know that a little time can make a whole lot of difference. If it still is not working out you will know when to supplement or switch to the bottle. Small goals was what kept me going. I know that  after 2 weeks if she was still not latching good we would be on formula, but I was determined to push through for that long at least to give BF a chance. As a mom you will know the best way to feed your baby, so trust your instinct.

Sleep was the next biggest life shocker, or shall i say the lack thereof. I loved my sleep. I mean I was a 8- 10 hours a night of sleep kind of girl. There is no other part of my pre-mommy life I mourned more than my sleep. The first month I struggled sleeping even when I could! Every time my baby was asleep I was so afraid to let myself go to sleep. I felt this overwhelming feeling of someone having to watch her at all times. I would just stare at her little chest to make sure she was breathing.. Okay I still do it.. but only when I wake up now! We are still not back to me sleeping 8 to 10 hours at night again, but I will take the 5 hour stretches we are at right now. Somehow my body has learned that it can function on even the roughest of nights. My biggest advice for new mommy's is ACCEPT HELP or even ask for it if you need. Take it in any form you can get it; meals, cleaning, friends just holding your baby. It does not make you a weaker mom but only a stronger one. Being healthy should be a main priority, and only makes you a better mama.

But I promise any mommy to be or new mommy that it gets easier, MUCH easier after those first new weeks, and your love for your child grows somehow stronger each and every day. Through that rough blur of a first week in motherhood one amazing thing does occur. No matter how tired, overwhelmed or even sad you may feel about losing certain parts of your life, you look at this little baby and realize you have become the most self-less and strongest version of yourself. You love someone else with a different love than ever before and I believe it is a special love God gives us mamma's. I know I am only at the beginning of my road of motherhood but in such a short time Linley has made me the best version of myself and I can't wait to see how much more he will shape me in being her mommy.